Thursday, September 17, 2009

Dear Jessica Simpson,

On Tuesday, I read on CNN.com (of all places), that your cute doggy, Daisy, was abducted by a wild coyote (it's a good thing that CNN.com distinguished the "wild" coyote that took Daisy from the "domestic" coyotes that roam the streets of most cities). It's just sooooooo sad!

Anyway, I heard you made posters and are offering a reward.

Jess, I admire your creativity, but I have some news for you. Maybe no one has wanted to tell you this yet, but I'm just going to jump right in here with the conclusion that everyone, except you apprently, has come to.

Daisy? She's dead. Way dead. She was dead about 3 seconds after the coyote grabbed her.

You see, coyotes don't grab little dogs and cats for fun. They don't take them and head to the dog park for a playdate. They don't take them back to their dens to meet the fam.

Nope, that coyote was hungry and Daisy was the perfect snack. Little cats and dogs go missing all the time around here, never to be seen again.

So while I admire your ingenuity in creating the signs and the reward, I suspect it's too late. By the time the coyote read your sign, Daisy was already repeating on him.

The only hope remaining is that maybe it wasn't a coyote at all. Maybe it was some crazed fan dressed as a coyote, a la Little Red Riding Hood, and now Daisy is hanging out at Grandma's house waiting for you.

But honestly, I don't think so.

I think you should just try to take comfort in the thought that maybe the coyote had trouble digesting Daisy's Burberry trenchcoat, has learned his lesson and will never abscond with another Hollywood doggy. Or at least will choose one less well dressed next time.


Kristie said...

Now, didn't you just read on the cover of People about that girl who was snatched from her family and returned 18 years later .... ???? Who knows? Jessica can dream ..... (of course, this is the same girl who thought Chicken of the Sea was actually chicken, so I guess she *is* pretty gullible ...)

Karen - Mommy to four sweeties said...

Poor Daisy. Poor Jessica! She's in denial.

But I did read an article about a lost cat who came home 3 years later...

Mountain Mama said...

Maybe the coyote and Daisy are a "couple" now. Wouldn't they make cute babies?

Oh poor Jess!

AND you, my friend, crack me up!!

Mountain Mama said...

Maybe the coyote and Daisy are a "couple" now. Wouldn't they make cute babies?

Oh poor Jess!

AND you, my friend, crack me up!!

Laurie said...

OMG! Like I totally can't believe you are dissin' Jessica! I totally believe that the wild coyote had no bad intentions and is happily playing with Daisy in the wilderness and will bring the pooch back to return safely to Jessica's Gucci dog carrier. Don't be such a hater, Natalie! If you continue to be so negative, I might not read your blog anymore!

Ann said...

Poor dear Jessica......... I'm with Karen... she is clearly in denial!!

Leeann said...

What would I do without your perfectly twisted sense of humor to make me laugh!

I had this saved in my Reader so I could keep reading it over and over. :-)