Dear Jessica Simpson,

On Tuesday, I read on CNN.com (of all places), that your cute doggy, Daisy, was abducted by a wild coyote (it's a good thing that CNN.com distinguished the "wild" coyote that took Daisy from the "domestic" coyotes that roam the streets of most cities). It's just sooooooo sad!

Anyway, I heard you made posters and are offering a reward.

Jess, I admire your creativity, but I have some news for you. Maybe no one has wanted to tell you this yet, but I'm just going to jump right in here with the conclusion that everyone, except you apprently, has come to.

Daisy? She's dead. Way dead. She was dead about 3 seconds after the coyote grabbed her.

You see, coyotes don't grab little dogs and cats for fun. They don't take them and head to the dog park for a playdate. They don't take them back to their dens to meet the fam.

Nope, that coyote was hungry and Daisy was the perfect snack. Little cats and dogs go missing all the time around here, never to be seen again.

So while I admire your ingenuity in creating the signs and the reward, I suspect it's too late. By the time the coyote read your sign, Daisy was already repeating on him.

The only hope remaining is that maybe it wasn't a coyote at all. Maybe it was some crazed fan dressed as a coyote, a la Little Red Riding Hood, and now Daisy is hanging out at Grandma's house waiting for you.

But honestly, I don't think so.

I think you should just try to take comfort in the thought that maybe the coyote had trouble digesting Daisy's Burberry trenchcoat, has learned his lesson and will never abscond with another Hollywood doggy. Or at least will choose one less well dressed next time.